The Step Card
LVVR — Listen · Validate · Verify · Repair
Before you start
Only one person talks at a time. The speaker is the Anchor (in the spotlight). The listener is the Gaffer (pointing all the light at the Anchor). Begin only when you’re at a 3 or 4 out of 10, not a 7 or 8 — warm, not boiling. Practice on the small stuff (who’s driving the kids, the grocery list) long before you need it for the hard stuff.
L — Listen
Take in the words with the single goal of being able to say them back. Don’t build your reply while they talk. No defending, no interpreting, no fixing. The Anchor sends it in small chunks — four to six sentences, maximum, in “I” statements — so you don’t get flooded.
V1 — Validate the feeling
Hand their words back and let them know the feeling is real. You are not agreeing; you are not conceding the facts. You’re signaling: your experience is legitimate, and I won’t argue you out of it. Close with, “Is that right?” and, “What else?”
V2 — Verify the whole story
When the Anchor settles — a breath, a softer voice, “there’s nothing else” — give the entire message back in their own words, as close to exact as you can, no edits, no “what you’re really saying is.” Then check: “Did I get that? Did I miss anything?” Stay here, taking another gentle pass, until they say some version of “that’s it.” You do not decide you’ve understood. They do.
R — Repair (only now)
Only after “that’s it” lands do you repair. A real repair has four parts: name what you did and the hurt it caused, in their words; mean the remorse; offer one specific thing you’ll do differently; then follow through. An apology offered before V2 lands isn’t repair — it’s you ending your own discomfort, and they can feel the difference.
If it slips
It’s fine to take a break — just name a time to come back, and never let the quiet run more than a few hours. It’s fine to ask for help if you lose the thread, and fine to help your partner if they lose theirs. If either of you is over a 6, stop; you’re past the window.